It’s not the whiney little bitch conversation we need to have. It’s The One About Impotence Instead. by Joanna Intara I love Bill Maher. He’s amazing, funny, talented and brilliant. And the whiney little bitch conversation has been on the table for a long time....
From addiction to unveiling the light.
By Rachel Lewins.
We all have a unique story.
By sharing my story with you, I hold faith and a vision that more people will be encouraged to speak up. Our hardships are our blessings. And although it may not seem like it, a gift from the divine. My aim is to create realisation that there is indeed a way back to light, clarity, health & true happiness.
In order to unveil that inner warrior and live a life of joy, overcoming our traumas is imperative and in by doing so, assist others in a world that so desperately needs it. The world is crying out for more light-working leaders.
We often wear a mask to conquer our complex and increasingly intimidating world. Ultimately, beneath the veil, we are all travelling the same perplexing journey and what we veritably long for is more compassion, open vulnerability and reliability.
Compassion is the language of the universe, and the only one that will save humanity.
May I express to you, a diluted and shortened version of my unorthodox and humble journey…
The Young Years
Standing on a field on leaving day from boarding school aged 12. Bewildered. Having no idea what the future of my tiny life held. Standardly pondering arbitrary thoughts about the world and its peculiarity.
My zany, uniquely beautiful and non-conformist art teacher turned to my mother and just said – ‘she’ll go far’. At the time, I couldn’t comprehend the meaning of this, but this statement never left me. This was my single lasting memory of the innocent, sheltered and yet strict life I was familiar with. And one that I believe got me through the following 20 years. From this point onwards, things were about to become considerably different.
Having experienced a happy, yet very
un-grounding childhood (moving areas and countries numerous times by 12),
I never really knew who I was or where I belonged. I’m sure a very relatable story for many in the RAF! In the long term this led me to supreme confusion and a complete loss of self.
Farewell to The Innocence
Having left the quaint life; experiencing the generic chronicle of parents divorcing and moving to yet another unknown area, I was subjected to a whole new existence. Immediately being drawn to the ‘bad’ crowd. Teeth braces were on, bullying began and image-dysmorphia well & truly set in. The joys of youth!
Now, I understand my childhood was absolutely no-way up there with some of the worst, but for some reason, this transition turned my tiny world upside down. My wonderful sister Jo, also effected, but in different way it seems.
After the ‘holier than thou’ life, anger set in & rebelling was my only escape. In my attempt to escape the pain and mundane, I began experimenting in an underworld of various substances. Frequently.
The Escalating Search
Luckily alcohol didn’t interest me. Altering my consciousness, increasing my energy and uplifting my mood were by far my biggest interest. Basically, anything that allowed me to seek the ‘happiness’ I was longing for, or more accurately – to allow me to express the true persona I hadn’t yet learned to express naturally. Artificial or not, by 15 I was mentally and physically hooked on narcotics.
Taking 5-10 ecstasy tablets in one night, along with a cocktail of other various substances, became a ‘normal’ weekly occurrence. Music and drugs were the basis of my life, and at the time, I wouldn’t have changed it for the world. I was living a life of complete fantasy and one that I had no intention of coming down from anytime soon. Gatecrasher, Godskitchen, Cream, Back to Basics, Creamfields, Global Gathering, Ibiza. You name it. I was there…with glowsticks.
I’m sure many 90’s babies can relate to this life!
Price Well & Truly Paid For
The following 10-year period, I am entirely unable to decipher any year from the hazy next. Only that these years prevailed immeasurable times of artificial euphoria, that on the contrary, resulted in long, dark & laborious years of severe depression, anxiety, chronic self-image dysmorphia, tinnitus, social phobia, psychosis and chronic insomnia that led to sleeping substance addiction of numerous illegal sorts.
Interestingly, depression would often begin during nights out. I would meticulously observe those around me and become acutely aware of the brutal reality that everyone was in actuality, clinging to a false sense of happiness. Continuously chasing the highs; but never reaching ecstatic bliss for longer than a mere few hours and thus perpetually repeating the same process.
Don’t get me wrong, some of the most seemingly incredible times of my life were during these years – I had a ton of fun! But in my eyes looking back, it was all an escape.
I had limited awareness to how my actions were affecting my mind, body & life. By this point I was fully immersed in an emotional roller-coaster of addiction and high-seeking oblivion.
Being predominately unconscious throughout these years, I’d allowed my mind to control me. Thoughts of suicide became a regular occurrence, so at that time, sadly, anti-depressants became my only option.
This medication can serve a purpose for sure. I experienced the ‘happiest’ 6 years on them, but ultimately they were acting as a chemical bandage. If and when one decides to release them, the real work begins. Re-wiring of the psyche, re-building of neural pathways and overcoming trauma must take place in order to naturally find peace and wholeness within.
It was only in my late twenties (late I know!) that reality fully set in. For years, I had been screening beneath a vast chemical veil. I finally accepted that I was mentally and physically addicted to a whole range of mind-altering substances, much to my previous years of complete denial.
However, I was absolutely determined to release every single hindrance from my world. It was time to finally delaminate the layers of debauchery and rapidly learn how to become a naturally functioning, healthy and happy human.
The Wonders of the World & Hidden Creativity
I must elucidate, life up to this point wasn’t all darkness.
Music was always a part of my soul, so having my incredible father teach me piano from age 4, was a blessing. This later progressed into music production, DJ’ing and playing keys in a 5-piece electro band. Unfortunately, as chemical inertia in the clubbing scene took full importance in my world, the majority of my creativity became progressively buried.
In an attempt to ‘find myself’, so to speak, I began exploring the world. At 21 I travelled South East Asia and in mid-twenties I spent a rather confused and melancholic year in Australia. It was here that I began my love for dance and fitness; thankfully becoming two of my saving graces in later years.
The Dark Night of the Soul
It was only after 5 intense weeks in the Amazon jungle in Peru in 2013 exploring various plant-medicines, that I began to understand the depths of the spiritual realm and our true alchemic work here on planet earth. This experience was the ultimate wake-up call my mind, body and soul had been longing for. With extreme brutality, the areas of my life that needed meticulous attention and focused inner-work were intensely highlighted and my persistent ego became challenged to unimaginable degrees. From that experience onwards, my life would change forever.
Interestingly, despite the years of self-disrespect, I had an underlying innate awareness that my life had a greater purpose. Nonetheless, finding the strength to entirely change my ways, was the challenge. It’s only when ones’ pain in life becomes unbearable, that we aspire to make the necessary changes.
Still, 14 years of an uncontrolled ego, minimal self-awareness and addiction wasn’t going to vanish in just 5 weeks (albeit one of the most challenging experiences!). With this in mind, I reluctantly recommend this method as a lasting healing modality. Plant-medicines – in particular Ayahuasca – although incredible tools for so many ailments, also come with potentially negative side-effects.
The Pain of Change
After this encounter, the relentless search for knowledge of ‘self’; existence and ‘who am I?’ was initiated.
The awakening of the mind, body & spirit became my soul project. The following 5 years and onwards became a myriad of pain and isolation. Despite this, glimpses light glimmered through the brutal, magical and necessary path of healing.
By radically altering my diet, exercise regime, friendship circle, and state of mind through awareness, art, reading & meditation; my consciousness started to shift.
In order to clean the body and become the controller of my mind, I carried out intensive detox programs. A month long dieta in the Amazon; a 28-day Panchakarma retreat in India (an intensive Aurveydic detox process), a brutal 10-day silent Vipassana in the depths of native India & a Transcendental Meditation course in London.
Light-hearted was never my middle name!
In 2014 I started a new life in London & in the process, took myself off all substances simultaneously. Illegal drugs, pharmaceuticals, alcohol; even sugar entirely. With my impulsive and determined nature, I thought it best to conquer everything at once. However, please note I am not advising this to others!
The following years were undeniably the most painstakingly challenging, but with persistent determination, I overcame each and every addiction and my creativity and passion for life slowly returned.
Becoming aware of the divine, true-self and the magnificence of life beyond the limited physical body, became a saving grace. Continuous reading, researching and education alongside the discovery of work from great masters, have massively contributed to my healing.
Combining numerous processes, as well as daily meditation, yoga, dance, self-love practices, fasting/nourishing foods, travel, music & surrounding myself with aligned, inspiring (& humorous!) beings, I have been able to understand our existence on a much more intricate level.
For sure the journey continues and always will. The repercussion of years of drug abuse doesn’t come lightly for many and still to this day I’m healing the mind and body in various ways.
My Message to The World
The truth is, the path of healing never stops for anyone. I believe we have lifetimes of non-serving patterns, traumas, parental and societal conditioning to recognize and un-do. We all have exponential amounts of self-love, awareness, compassion and acceptance to cultivate. We need to become our own loving parent throughout our whole human experience; wholeheartedly accepting our shadows as our true work to liberation.
I believe that by unveiling childhood traumas, despite our innate tendencies to avoid these like the plague, they are ironically our saviours. Ultimately, there is nothing ever ‘wrong’ with us despite our striving to ‘fix’ ourselves. We solely need to return to the untainted, pure beings we once were.
Most addictions manifest from childhood trauma, lack of self-love and disconnection from one’s self & others. However, temporary escapism through addiction and searching for love outside of oneself, is never going to create salvation. I believe drugs certainly have their place in the world of self-exploration and healing, but controlled-dosing and addiction are two entirely different things.
If there’s anything specific I’ve learnt from this journey, it would be to teach children unconditional self-love from day one. Teach them self/body awareness, self-acceptance, self & collective connection and the importance of optimal health and nutrition in order to allow them to flourish into their most authentic and happy selves.
Emotions are the language of the soul. Therefore, allow children to openly express any and all emotions that arise instead of dismissing and berating as this only leads to trapped trauma that will inevitably be revealed in later life in undesirable ways.
A huge part of today’s society is in turmoil and the idea of happiness is based upon a detrimental & ludicrous ideology of perfection. This idea that beauty, success, and status needs to be perfected in order to be accepted, can also play a huge role in ones’ addictive behaviour.
Let’s face it, we all have either overt (obvious) or covert (discreet) addictions to some degree. Either way, they are all damaging to varying degrees and all are mere escapism.
By teaching children their innate magnificence without externalities, and working through trauma correctly, we could potentially escape years of pain and self-sabotage. Allowing them to fully embody the pure, joyful & divine beings they came here to be.
Nonetheless, without darkness, the light is non-existent. In order to experience true happiness and appreciate its whole eminence, in my eyes it’s necessary for the soul to experience some degree of challenge. This is an inevitable part of being a spiritual-human here on our lovely planet earth. And our job as a collective, is to reconnect back to ourselves, nature and each other through the power of love.