The day seemed promising, but my anxiety was shooting off the roof. The puffy cotton clouds had carelessly spread across the bright blue sky, a warm breeze brushing through my skin making it tingle while the warm rays uplifted my spirits. I clutched my love pendant nervously and stared at my A4 pink notebook once again, trying to memorize the points once again, in readiness for the four o’clock interview that was to take place that evening but in all honesty, I was super scared. I was trying to be brave but at the pit of my stomach, I felt I was not going to make it.
I had lost my job in 2017 and after that getting another had proved quite a daunting task. It is then that it occurred to me that it was likely that this had happened for a reason and it was possible that I was to explore all that I was ever meant to be. I started entertaining ideas in my head. one idea that struck me was building an idea into a profitable business. It was with this in mind that I got an opportunity for a three-month training in entrepreneurship and business that was fully sponsored and after that, I had armed myself with the basic skills to start off making my idea a reality.
Being new, it was challenging, but I pushed on. I was inspired and quite fired up to make it happen. I started off with a business canvas than a business plan, then a pitch and finally approached some partners that could help me start. I also knew I needed capital and with hardly any money to support myself, it was a great challenge but like I said before, I was fired up and very determined, but I knew I had to think fast on my feet.
I wanted it so bad that I manifested it and got two opportunities. One was a government grant for young entrepreneurs and the other was supporting women in startups in my city by giving training to young social entrepreneurs for two years and then giving them grants to start off. This was the one I had gotten an interview for. Part of me was elated but part of me was super scared to the point of almost pissing my pants! Literally!
Taking a walk through the neighbourhood seemed like a pretty good idea at that moment and as I listened to the trees dancing to the tune of the wind, I relaxed a little. The birds seemed quite taken to the tune too and they joined in by chirping in their highest notes. I found myself smiling. There was a small stream down at the edge of the path I was on and it seemed inviting. I decided to sit at the edge of it, first dipping my feet in slightly than jumping up with a scream when I felt something tickle my feet only to laugh afterwards when I realized it was just a frog.
“Hey there Froggie?” I tried to brush it’s back gently, but it swam away quite fast. “Sorry, Froggie! I hadn’t realized I was intruding your space,” I laughed as it turned slightly in my direction then jumped in the opposite direction and swam away. I looked up then and thanked the universe for making me forget about the interview for a moment. I closed my eyes and tried to relax and, at that moment, I decided I would let whatever happen to take its course. My smile then broadened.
I arrived at the five-star hotel ten minutes to the interview and instead of taking in the beautiful view overlooking the city, decided to take a trip to the washroom where I looked into the mirror and tried to take myself through a pep talk, plastering a smile on my face to dim my nervousness. “Okay, Mercy! This is it! You can do this!” I boldly told myself, squared my shoulders, straightened my posture and made my way to the interview room only to be ushered in just I was going to take a seat outside the interview room.
“Welcome Mercy, thank you for keeping time. We have been waiting for you,” Doris, as revealed by her tag warmly announced with a smile as she ushered me in. I bit my lip and nodded slightly trying a smile but it coming out forced and me deciding to look at her straight in the eyes and pipe out a thank you.
There were three interviewers and the room was a conference room with beige walls, red-carpeted floor muffling the clicks my black four-inch heels were making, long tables and chairs filling up the spacious room, with a large black flat screen television on the opposite wall facing me. I was welcomed to sit and started off by appreciating them for the interview opportunity, relaxing a bit, while hugging my black blazer tightly, suddenly feeling cold.
“It’s great to finally put a face to the name Mercy Juma. We are here to just get to know a bit more about your business. Please tell us a bit more about your business,” Sharon, the other interviewer proceeded politely as she tried to make me ease up because she sensed my tension. It all went downhill from there.
The interview was a huge flop, to say the least. I could hardly get my answers out. My mind was blank. I zoned out, stammered, lost words and at one moment I saw the sorry looks they were giving me, probably wondering how I came to form a company yet could not pitch my well-formed ideas to them. I saw Damaris shake her head at one moment and Sharon even asked why I had applied for that opportunity while the third lady had a no-nonsense face that I could not dare look at. She was staring down while typing away at her laptop. I left the room ready to crawl into my bed and just cry.
Later that evening just before I slept I was in a reflective mood. What had just happened? I was sure I had prepared. For the hundredth time, I asked myself if this was really something I wanted to do and I was not too sure anymore. What new thing was I adding to society? Was I not doing something everyone else was doing? Was I faking it? Was I really passionate about this? First off they wanted a business that had already hit the ground running, not one that was just in the idea stage! This I was but I had not told them this. I think part of me felt like a fraud and that sparked a war within me. I was not being truthful. From then on things just went south, because I felt like I was lying to myself too while keeping it cool on the outside.
In that moment I realized that what I really wanted to do was not material based where I was just making baskets and art pieces and selling them but my heart was drawing me towards Psychology, what I had studied in school, helping people through their pain, encouraging people, working with them to find their truest selves, their truest purpose based on the truths of who they are and working them to have the courage to follow that path and if I could not do that myself then I was lying to myself. Sure I wanted wealth and comfort but I wanted to do it while helping people find their truest selves.
With that in mind, I managed to get another interview a few weeks later that was working with vulnerable children in my community, children who had suffered abuse of one kind or another and this time around I felt confident and was so sure of myself was I that I even surprised myself when I was second highest in the interview! I still felt inspired to work with adults too and planned on starting a training practice of my own based on what I had spent time learning and reading about as well. I finally felt like my exploration period had borne fruits.
So what was the difference between the two interviews? I had passed one with flying colours and struggled through the other one as I had just stepped out of a five-year sleep when I walked into the interview room. Fear and full-on confidence, that is what! Thoughts are creative and fear attracts like energy. I had attracted what I feared most because I felt part of me was not fully convinced that this is what I really wanted. Honestly, I was not so passionate about it and I guess it showed! After reviewing what I really wanted which was working with people to alleviate their pain, realize their power, own up to that and charge on with purpose and confidence, my self-belief had come back like it was never lost.
This is what I came to realize: Pleading with life when filled with fear does not help much. It only attracts to you that which you fear. Pleading with the universe, Higher being, First cause, God or the Greater I Am achieves very little when faith is not included. When you doubt it, it almost never happens. Commanding life involves you knowing that you are in charge, the self-belief or faith is involved, when you are sure, without a doubt that nothing is going to stand your way, that it is all going to work out, that what you ask for is already yours once you ask it so long as it is asked with the purest of intentions, trusting that what is yours will find you, that you can work miracles just like Jesus did, that you are a god in every way too for you create your reality, that it can happen, then you will command life, then you will quite literally move mountains!
Creative Writer. Psychologist. Inspired Blogger.