What happens? What happens when everything that defined you is yanked away? What happens when you realize it was all a lie? What happens when you think you attracted it? We are what we attract, right? But is there a limit to every law? Do laws hold true for all circumstances? What if it is just life? Can pain teach? Can pain be the best thing that ever happens to you? Should we welcome it or run a marathon just to avoid it? Is it possible to always avoid it? Can we be joyful even when going through the deepest of pain? These questions rolled out of me so fast I wondered whether I was going insane.
The music boomed through my ears, and my stomach churned with every bit. Bodies swished and swashed around me. Glasses clanked. Bottles toasted. Meat got roasted, and food passed around. I was in a freaking club and looking like a zombie that had just come back to life and was still taking in the shock-like she was from a century before. Woman! This is what people do, right? Had I dressed the part? Hell yes! Pink four-inch gladiator heels, black leather tights that hugged my hips beautifully, a pink vest top hid behind a fitting blue silk coat that was hip-length. My natural black hair braided and held tight in a burn to bring to life the contours on my face, maroon lipstick, black eyeliner and just enough mascara to make my eyes pop! So why in the world did I feel like an outsider looking in? Why was I not gyrating like my soul was on fire or winking flirtatiously at the roguish guy sitting across me and simply sipping on ice water and taking it all in? And my mind? NOT helping at all!
Why were the things I had so much pleasure in doing before not give me the spark anymore? What in the heavens was happening? I will tell you what was happening.
I was tired of being empty. I was tired of giving fake smiles. Tired of pretending it was all okay. I was tired of running away. Snapshots of food at the expensive café’s and posting them on social media just to let everyone know I was swinging it now made me sick! Pool photos still left me empty? Partying, clubbing, fun, dancing? They all made less sense to me now. It was time to acknowledge the pain inside. The pain I had run from for so long.
You see in reality, I was deeply insecure, and I realize I had been like this for the most part of my life since hitting teenage. I did not think I was enough, and maybe that is why my relationships went down the drain pretty fast. I mean, who could handle the pressure to love someone who did not love herself and always doubted that you did and wanted you to prove it in whatever form? Then came the scare that I was not enough for that person and I tried to change and become the ‘magazine cover’ type of girl that I thought the person I wanted to please would love more only to fall flat on my face!
The truth is I hated this person. I did not want her shyness, her lack of confidence, second-guessing herself, sticking to the shadows, showy stomach instead of sexy and curvy, stubby fingers, rushes on my face. I did not feel intelligent like I once was. I did not feel as stunning as I once was. More so I was broke and out of a job, and the list went on and on. I actually felt like a victim, and I was fed up of it! I wanted a change. This was a hellish place, and I had had enough of the pain. I wanted to celebrate life once more.
The fact that I did not like myself made me dislike others too. People I was close to and at my depth, truly loved but felt secretly jealous of. For example, I did not like the fact that my mother was somewhat submissive, which was a trait I saw in myself, though I was envious of her beauty and grace. I did not like the fact that my father sat and did nothing but order people around and I saw it in myself too especially when I felt too lazy to lift a finger, but I envied it that he was so confident and got what he mostly wanted quite easily. I did not like the fact that I slept too much and since I saw the same in my aunt, I felt I did not like the trait in her even though I coveted the fact that she was so loving and quite a hard worker in taking care of her family. I did not like my uncle’s judgmental attitude but secretly envied it that he was one of the most intelligent people I had ever interacted with. This covetous nature irked me to the core. I was in pain. In short, I hated other people because I saw in them things that reflected my sad life, and I felt jealous where I saw others as being better than me. I also felt guilty that I felt this way because, in my view, it was pathetic! How could I be so judgmental about people that were so close to me? It was killing me.
Then it hit me! How could I love another when I did not love this person, this creature that was created in the image and likeness of God? This being that had the power to create yet did not know that in fact, she was creating her own life through the belittling thoughts she had about herself? She had caused what she was experiencing in her life through her thoughts, her words and her deeds and it made her not like the people actually loved. I was digging my own hole and creating my own reality yet sitting back and not liking what I was creating? I was rejecting a part of myself, and it made things even worse because I could never run away from me.
Why could I not then recreate and make it more of what I wanted? I knew one thing for sure. Thoughts were creative. That was one. The second thing I knew was that what we fear we attract to ourselves and the third thing I knew was that love was all there was and the opposite of love was not really hate but fear. Fear is the source of everything we do not want. In that instant, I came to the conclusion that this was it, I was going to take back my power instead of acting like a victim! I was turning it all around, and at that moment, something clicked right!
It was decided. I was choosing to create myself a new. As the screams and the boozy shouts reached my ear, and my heart pounded to the bits of the music, I felt my mouth form a hard line of determination, and a final decision marked my brows. I was tired of feeling so low! I gulped my water with an air of finality and decided this was it. I was going to start celebrating myself from now! I set my glass down, swang my hips to the dance floor and jumped like a little girl on Christmas and shook my body like I was chasing out all the negative energy and embracing myself anew! I put a smile on my face, mumbled a ‘God help me’ prayer and decided from then on, that that was the end of my misery and I would do whatever it took to make my life better! I had had the power all along, all I needed to do was discipline my thoughts and that, I was determined to do.
Creative Writer. Psychologist. Inspired Blogger.